Disillusioned Genesis

I was contacted by someone who alerted me to the fact that some of the contents of my blog might be considered offensive and/or malicious. In the interest of those whom I may have offended I have deleted any and all material that maybe have qualified as either of those things. Any remaining information that may be considered offensive is unintentional and I apologize. I also apologize for the presence of this information in the first place and apologize to any and everyone I may have accidentally offended. Any offensive material was simply meant to represent my opinion and not to upset or inflame. Thank you for your understanding.

Well, nothing new has happened, really since my last interview. I have decided that I REALLY want the orthodontist's office to offer me that position. It's the position I've been looking for for the past 3-4 months.

I was just browsing real estate listings and there is a condo in this same complex (actually in the building across the way) that is up for sale for $134,700 that looks really nice in the photos. I would love to move in there, but I'm doubting if we would be approved for a loan for that much. We can't do anything about it until I get a job.

I guess I've felt like because I was offered two jobs, basically, already that I can afford to be a little bit picky about where I choose to go work. It's great that those places offered me jobs so quickly, but I feel it would be unwise to commit to working at any office without exploring all the possibilities at other offices first. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for the ortho office, who said they would call me by the middle of next week. I will call them myself if I don't hear back by next Friday.

Last night Nick worked on cleaning out the tub. We had to go out and buy the necessary cleaning solution. It did a fairly good job, but the caulking has mold and mildew underneath and in it so it is stained very dark. The only way to get rid of it is to rip out the old caulking and re-do it. I called my father earlier today to tell him about it with the hopes that either him or (the more likely of the two) my grandfather will come over and do that.

Today we went out and bought drain solution because the drain is horribly slow. While we were out I wandered into the baby section while Nick was looking at jeans (because we can't seem to find the box in the storage unit that we accidentally put in there with most of his clothing in it)and I brought over with me to show Nick a three pack of baby socks that I thought were adorable. Earlier today I was online and checking my bank account balance which was -$30. I have officially hit rock bottom with my finances. And it hit me, as I was putting the socks back that not only can't I even afford baby socks, I can't even afford to pay for food to feed myself right now and it hit me really hard. I have to depend on absolutely everyone else for absolutely everything and it kills me to know that. I feel like such a worthless piece of shit. How can I take care of a baby when I can't take care of myself?! I love this baby so much already and it kills me to know I can't take care of myself, and by proxy her.

I'm living in this shit hole filled with mold, mildew, and god-knows-what else... it's not healthy for me or the baby. BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.... I HATE IT. When I was in PA I was concerned about money... and coming back home to CT was like a beacon of hope that I was clinging to. I know that my chances are still much better here... but right now I can't help but feel a little helpless. In PA we were broke, but at least we weren't living in a home that was dangerous to my (and my baby's) physical health. I don't regret coming back here at all because I know things would have never gotten better in PA...but here it's just compounded.

Tonight Nick is working and (despite my basically begging her to stay home or go out and do something with me) my mother has gone out to some potluck dinner with a group of women from her church who are all widowed, single, or divorced. She tried to get me to go with her... but I can't deal with that many new people/people I hardly know (potentially ogling over my belly to boot) and people who will more than likely ask me about why I haven't been at church or when I will go again. I just didn't want to deal with it, plus I wouldn't fit in with women who are all old enough to be my mother.

I have no friends in CT... not that I can attempt to call anyway. I don't feel like anyone here I can call really give a rat's ass enough about me to care enough to spend time with me anyway. Besides, I'm broke and can't afford to go out. I have no car because Nick took mine to get to work. So, I am stranded at home, depressed, lonely and bored.

I.Just.Want.To.Be.Able.To.Take.Care.Of.My.Baby. And I'm livid with myself for stupidly moving to Erie when we did anyway even after I found out I was pregnant. It might just be the dumbest thing I've ever done. No, actually I'm SURE it is. It was selfish, and stupid of me to move without jobs lined up with a baby on the way. If we hadn't gone we would have an apartment, or moved into a larger place by now, I would still have a steady job, and I would have steady prenatal healthcare and HEALTH INSURANCE! Never in my life have I wanted to go back in time to change anything that I've done... but the move to Erie is something I'm seriously thinking I might just change if I could. I just don't know. I'm so mad at myself for it. I get pissed at the situation, but it's my own damn fault and my own stupidity that led me here. I'm so sorry, Phoenix.

Well, nothing of any *great* interest has happened, although now I have THREE interviews set up for the week following our return, one Monday, one Tuesday, and one Wednesday. The two on Monday and Tuesday are both in Windsor, CT and the one on Wednesday is in Manchester, CT. I'd be happy to take any dental assisting job at this point, but I would much rather work in Windsor, which is considerably closer than Manchester. I'm really glad to have that many interviews already lined up. It will be a busy week when we return!

Sunday is a Mabon ritual at the Powder Mill Barn hosted by Gayle's Thyme, Monday an interview at 10:30 a.m. in Windsor, CT, Tuesday an interview at 9:30 a.m. in Windsor, CT, Wednesday a working interview from 9 a.m. through 6 p.m. (which I will be paid for), Thursday we are planning on going to the Big E with my mother. Our goal is to get some cider and cider doughnuts from the Vermont building because it is the best cider EVER, and next week is the very last week of the Big E so we have to take advantage of it while we can!

Sunday and Monday Rachael came to Erie to pack up her things. We are taking them back to CT with us and putting them in storage along with our own things. She got in around 5 p.m.and got to work right away. The friends who drove her here left that evening and Rachael took the bus to Pittsburgh to catch a ride back to New Jersey with her friends Monday afternoon. She left a few things for us to take care of for her that she ran out of time to do before catching her bus. So, yesterday we mailed her a few of her things via UPS, dropped off two garbage bags full of clothing and shoes to be donated to goodwill, and I returned the library book she checked out for Freedom that was due at the end of August. (I paid the late fee.)

Then, last night, the neighbors came over and had me go through their old baby clothes (she has a 1 yr old) to pick out some of the things I liked. So, our baby already has the start of a new wardrobe developing. We also acquired a car seat cover (for winter) and an infant bath tub. The clothes fill a HUGE bag from Babies'R'Us.... I'm not sure what I'm going to put them in to get them to CT, but I can't leave them just in the bag because it is too full and they will fall out.

Today I have my last prenatal appointment in PA. As soon as we get to CT I'll have to apply for state medical assistance again. The office to do that is in Manchester, so that should be a boring day. Today, too, I need to call the moving truck company to confirm my reservation. When we got a truck to come here they tried giving us a bigger size truck, which we DEFINITELY do NOT want, so I'm calling two days in advance to be sure we get what we reserved. Then, I need to call the Pet Emergency Clinic by the Erie Zoo because we haven't heard back about picking up the ashes of our kitty we had put to sleep a couple weeks ago. Usually it takes two weeks, but they mentioned their pickup/drop-off days are Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Since Tuesday has come and gone I want to make sure that it arrives by the end of the week so we can bring her back to CT with us. Then, tonight, I work from 5 to 9:15 p.m. (Yuck)

I'm hoping to convince Nick to go to karaoke with me at Craze tonight. Karaoke was sort of me and Freedom's thing to do together each week  so he has never gone with me. This week Freedom is in Tennesse visiting his family (who he hasn't been able to visit for years), so I was hoping Nick and I could go. There are a few songs (duets) I would love to get to do with him if he'll go. When I've mentioned him going in the past he's said he wasn't sure if he "could" because he knows it was me and Freedom's thing and isn't sure he could overcome that mentally. But, we'll see. I'm hoping he'll come as I would love to get in one more karaoke night before we go.

Tomorrow (Thursday) I work from 12 -5 and it will be my last day at work. (YAY!) I will have to call Poppy and send Chris an email to remind them that they said they would come to help load up the moving truck on Friday. Then, Friday, we can pick up the truck as early as 9 a.m. and we have all day to load it. I'm sure by the end of the day we will be utterly exhausted and will fall into bed (somewhere, anyway, since ours will be packed in the truck) early so we can get up at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning to try to leave Erie by 6 a.m. so we can get to CT before 5 p.m. to take care of all the paperwork at the storage facility.

I've put out announcements and bulletins on facebook and myspace desperately asking for help unloading the truck in CT because, being pregnant, I can't do heavy lifting. However, volunteers have been wishy washy, at best. The one person who had made the strongest commitment just came down with some sort of cold/fever so I don't know if he'll be feeling well enough to come help out on Saturday night. The other person is driving all the fuck from Albany, NY a little under two hours to help out, so I wouldn't fault her in the least if she backed out since she originally had other plans. Other than those two we have a fat load of no one lined up to help out. It's frustrating to the max and I don't know what we'll do. On the bright side, we do have the truck until Monday at 9 a.m. if we can't get anyone Saturday night and have to wait to pester people to come help until Sunday. I can always get my family to try and reign people in at church to come help, LOL. We'll see... Wish me luck on the volunteer search.

It's almost 10 a.m. and my appointment is at 2:45 p.m. I can't wait! I've never been so excited for doctor's appointments in my entire life! LOL I love getting to hear my baby's heartbeat every time. It's such a comfort to hear that she is doing well. Now, too, it's great to feel the kicking which is another reminder and sign that she is doing well. It's hard to really conceptualize sometimes that within a few months we're going to have a living, breathing newborn baby girl depending on us that we will devote nearly every moment of our lives to. It's scary and exciting all at once. I can't wait to meet her.

Right now I'm worrying a little bit about how we/I am going to afford to be able to take the birthing (Hypnobirthing) class(es) I want to take with my job situation being as relatively insecure as it is now. I do have several interviews lined up, but me getting a job is dependent on employers not discriminating against me for being pregnant. The classes cost between $300 and $400 for a series of 3 five hour classes.... or something like that. I found one in the area that is closer to $300 that will be more doable. I may need to beg someone to loan me the money and pay them back once we are in a better financial situation. I don't know yet. Anyway, that's where things are at.

I'm getting excited to go home, but I know I will miss the people here when I do. It's tough to think that I won't see any of them (Rachael being the exception) until next summer at the soonest. I know that this is where I need to be to take care of my baby, though. I look forward to going to camp next summer with my baby girl in tow and getting her to introduce her to everyone. I guess I should go for now.

Blessings and Light

~Amy

I know it's a highly unoriginal title, but I'm not in the mood to be creative at the moment, LOL. Since my last posting Nick and I cemented the day of our move to be on September 20th. Freedom informed me that he is hoping and planning on being in Kentucky/Tennesse visiting his family from the 13th until after we are scheduled to leave so he won't be able to help us load up the moving truck (or attempt to sabotage our move, as he put it yesterday). Fortunately, however, I asked Poppy Gene if he would help (not really expecting him to be able to since he lives 2 hours away) and he said that he would, which was great news. Also, I found out yesterday that he is bringing his son, Chris (from Rowan Clan) with him to help out as well. I'm really excited to have that many people helping out. Originally I was expecting we might only get help from Dan (and Nick, obviously).

Also, I've started sending in resumes for jobs in CT. I've submitted to six jobs altogether, and been called by three of them already. In fact, I already have an interview lined up for the Monday following our arrival back in CT at a cosmetic dentists' office in Windsor, CT on Day Hill Rd. I, of course, didn't drop the bomb that I am pregnant over the phone. I will tell them in person. I'm still small enough that I can easily hide a baby bump, and technically no place of employment can refuse to hire me based on me being pregnant, legally speaking. That doesn't mean they won't ANYway... but my hopes are high. I am highly qualified for any dental assisting position that becomes available in my area, and I come highly recommended by my previous boss. So keep your fingers crossed for me finding a job in CT making a decent amount of money. I'm sort of hoping whatever job I find will be only part-time, as that will be easier to return to post-delivery of baby.

In other, unrelated news we are having serious issues with one of our remaining two cats. For as long as I can remember she has always urinated in inappropriate places, but we couldn't seem to stop it. She tends to urinate in any pile of cloth, fabric, or clothing that is left lying around on the floor, so we had simply learned not to keep anything like that on the floor to give her the opportunity. (Naturally, we slipped up from time to time, but when we did she took advantage of it.) That habit led to us having to confine her to our bedroom here in Erie because our roommates are not so diligent about keeping things like that off the floor because they had a cuddle pit behind their couch filled with blankets, pillows, and the like. As you might imagine, it didn't last long with our cats' habits. (The one who we recently had put to sleep had similar, inappropriate habits.)

At first, after her confinement, things seemed to improve greatly. Even clothing that my husband left on the floor would remain untouched, which was a real improvement. I figured that maybe part of her behavior had been because she was acting out since the house currently has the smells of the 'residential' animals. (Not that *I* can smell their animals, but I know the cats can.) I thought maybe it was her way of marking territory, or acting out because of the big changes from the move.

Shortly before we had to put one of our beautiful kitties to sleep, one day I went into the bedroom to find that one of the cats had urinated on the bed. Now, despite their previous history of inappropriate urination, the bed had always been off-limits and they seemed to know that. I'm sure the bed smells like my husband and I to them and they knew not to 'defile' it. At first I thought it was my black kitty (the one I'm currently having an issue with), whose name is Kit-Kit, and promptly rubbed her nose in it and put her into the litter box.

A couple days later the sick kitty (Na-Nai) became so weak that she never left the bed anymore and we started finding urine spots on the sheets. At that point in time, I figured I had wrongly punished the wrong cat. However, in the time since putting Na-Nai to sleep, this has started happening more and more frequently. I have had to wash the sheets at least every other day this week due to her urinating on the bed. I know it's her because I've caught her in the act. This same cat also has some strange aversion to deficating inside the litter box as well, and usually chooses to do so right outside the litter box. I could deal with that since it was at least close. I was able to put newspaper (or puppy pads if I ever feel so inclined to purchase them) around the litter box for easy clean up.

However, her increasingly inappropriate urination habit is something I just cannot deal with. With a baby on the way, and being in my condition, we can afford to have our cat frequently urinating in our bed and wherever else she pleases. We love our babies (cats) to death, but if we can't fix this problem, we don't know what other option we will have but to put her into a shelter. I REALLY don't want to do that. She is like one of my children (despite the fact that I'm really not a fan at the moment) and having to give her up for this seems like giving up on HER. A lot of people will tell you that if your cat is urinating inappropriately that they may have a urinary tract infection. However, I'm quite sure (due to the timing this started) that it is a psychological/behavioral problem. After the exorbitant vet bills from attempting to treat our other cat, and then having her put to sleep (followed by having her creamated (sp?) and having the ashes returned to us) we can't afford any more visits to the veterinarian's office anytime soon.

After some research online through Yahoo! Answers I read about a litter called Dr. Elsey's Cat Attract, which was supposedly formulated by a feline-only veterinarian to have ideally shaped and sized granuals. It's made of clay and is a clumping litter and is touted to be 99% dust free. (A claim which has been backed by at least one review that I've read from an unbiased website.) The 'magic' ingredient is an herbal blend that is supposed to attract cats to the litter box so they will use it. The review said that the herbs are odorless to the human nose, but cats seem to take quite a liking to it. Also, apparently, if a cat smells its own urine on something, it assumes it is O.K. to urinate there again, so we also need to find some kind of enzyme cleaner that will get the urine odor out of our bed so she can't smell it anymore. It should be a challenge finding a product that will work on our mattress since the urine is soaked all the way into it. The sheets are easy to wash, the mattress is not.

So, today I need to find a way to get to the local PetSmart which (according to Dr. Elsey's website) carries that particularly kind of litter, an enzyme cleaner, and one of those sprays that has a scent to repel cats to try to keep her away from the spot(s) she likes to urinate in. Perhaps those three things will correct her bad habits. I would love for it to ameliorate her issues with deficating outside the litter box, too, but that is secondary in my mind to the urination problem. The problem with getting to PetSmart is that we have no car in which to do so.

Last Friday night it was dark and rainy and my husband was driving me home from work. He accidentally took a turn too wide and smashed right into a curb, giving me a flat tire about 1 1/2 miles away from the house. Not able to afford a tow, we decided to drive the car back to the house, VERY slowly, all the way to the right, and with the hazard lights on. However, we ruined the rim in the process and further tore up the tire, making it all completely irreparable. Saturday I slept until 11a.m.-ish, and when I started making phone calls most places were already closed. (Places in Erie have the STUPIDEST operating hours, IMHO...) None of the places were going to re-open until Monday. So, I had to wait the weekend out to do anything about my car.

The same weekend, Kristi had plans to take another road trip out to Buffalo and Rochester, NY to visit friends which meant that we couldn't depend on her (and her car) being around to help get us around. She won't be back until Wednesday sometime. So, today, the rim I ordered from the Toyota dealership yesterday should arrive sometime between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. Once the rim gets here I need to pick it up (SOMEhow... it's too far away to walk) come back home, drive my car (on it's broken rim and torn up tire) a mile and a quarter to the tire place (where they have the same tire in stock that all my other tires are) and walk back home. (And, naturally, Mother Nature chose today to be rainy.) AND, somewhere in there, I need to get to PetSmart to get all of the other stuff straightened out. I need to have my tire fixed by Wednesday afternoon so I can drive myself to work on Wednesday night.

*SIGH* What a pain in the ass!!!!! @)(#$&*%)*(&#@% *mumbles under breath* I know that Kathleen, the next door neighbor, MIGHT be able to bring me to and from the Toyota dealership, but she goes into work for 2 p.m. So that will only work if the rim gets here at the early end of their estimate. (Which he said it usually does, but not always.) I just need to keep chanting to myself, 'something will work out, something will work out, something will work out....'

I know I posted a few months ago about feeling spiritually disconnected. I went to Brushwood for two weeks of festival and felt great. I thought that things were really going to change and I was going to start getting back into the swing of things. A month later and I'm still sitting on my ass wondering what to do. The past few weeks I was really depressed and down about the job/money situation as of late. I was upset that I didn't have health insurance (and couldn't get the care needed for me and my unborn baby), upset that my saved funds are so reduced (for the first time in my life I had to choose between bills and groceries), and upset that I've applied for sixteen different jobs (only one of which has called me for an interview and subsequently rejected me). I've told myself that I've been too submersed in the mundane, depressing reality of life to do anything spiritual. I felt too sad/depressed to have any sort of proper focus for shamanic journey work. I totally missed Lughnasadh/Lammas and didn't realize it until almost two weeks later. I almost NEVER miss a holiday.

Was I making excuses for myself? Have I shorted myself? Am I not supposed to get a job before the baby is born? Is the Universe telling me I need to take this time to myself to work on me? Am I supposed to be advertising for my healing services? Am I supposed to teach? Where should I go from here now that I've come to PA? What great adventure is here that made me feel so compelled to come - is it learning to live with the alternative relationship style of polyamory or is there more? What am I supposed to be doing spiritually? What should I be learning?

Thanks to Dawna for giving me a nudge for all these questions to pop into my head. Yay for focus and intention... I guess I do have plenty of free time in which I could/should be doing more shamanic journey work/shadow work. Wish me luck and no more clue by fours...

Blessings

Last night I was up until the wee hours of the morning talking online with my girlfriend, Kristi. We are currently living nearly 500 miles apart (I in CT and her in PA) so a lot of the conversation consisted of saying over and over again how much we miss each other - how much we craved the other's hugs, kisses, and cuddles. We imagined what it would be like when we finally did see each other again. (I will be heading out to that area at the end of May. I don't know if it will be permanent at that point or nor.)

(As an aside, I went to visit for a week at the beginning of April to take a radiology test for my job and for a job interview -- AND to visit of course! If I get the job, which I should hear back on sometime this coming week, I will be moving down early ahead of my hubby on Memorial Day weekend, and he will follow me at the end of June/beginning of July when our apartment lease runs up.)

We go to talking, too, about poly parenting. I was relieved, but no in the least bit surprised, to find that we are all on the same page already, even though we don't even have kids yet. I'm sure that somebody somewhere has come up with fancy terms to describe all that I am about to say, but I don't know said terms, so you'll have to bear with me. (If anyone knows of any good books about Poly Parenting I would love to hear about them!)

We are both members on an LJ group called 'polyamory' (I'm VERY new myself, I'm still in the lurking stages.) I was reading through some of the posts last night (early this morning) and a lot of people were dealing with the challenges of blending families with boyfriends and girlfriends and how to handle telling (or not telling) their children, especially the older kids. I said to Kristi that I can't imagine being dishonest to my children. To me, and I don't have children yet so it's possible my opinion would change once I were there, it's not inappropriate to explain to a small child that, "Well, we all just have so much love in our hearts that we had to share it with (insert spice names here), too! So, you have 3 mommies, and 2 daddies." I know that as they get older the implications of that will likely become obvious, but I guess I don't see the problem. The difference in our situation, however, is that we won't be going into the relationship (or rather moving in together) already having all our own children. I'm sure that it is quite different. I am really looking forward to the challenges that a blended family brings. The biggest issue, I'm sure, is explaining to the child how to explain the situation to THEIR peers in a way that places it in as positive a light as possible. (Because no matter what, some conservative right-winger's gonna have a fit, so you can only do so much.)

Also, we really love the idea of 'equal parenting' - except for the legal sense, really, we will act as moms and dads for everyone else's kids. I really want everyone to have to same authority as I do over my kids (discipline-wise). It will be a challenge to deal with having kids skip from parent to parent hoping to catch us unawares and get the answer they were looking for that someone else said 'no' to. (I can already predict that Freedom will be the 'yes' guy, LOL.) And, of course, we'll need to decided on a standard punishment method to be sure we're all on the same page. As Kristi pointed out, they are good at doing that with only 2 parents, never mind 5! (And by that point it could be more than 5, LOL.)

I love the idea of having multiple parents to turn to. I think it's good for children to have different ears to have lent, shoulders to cry on, and differing perspectives. The kids will have access to different things from different people depending on personalities, strengths, and weaknesses from all of us. They can choose the best for what they need at that time. Not only that but we all have such varied interests that we can share with our children. It will be so amazing. I'm so excited to see what the future will bring!

Last night reading through a lot of the posts on the group, I realized just how hard a lot of these poly people are searching for thirds and secondary relationships. I never realized just how lucky I've really had it. Kristi has been on a search for the right people for a long time, 8 years. I don't know about Rachael, but I'd only been looking for a few months with this all just fell into place. We really all just fell into each other's laps. I mean, I know that a big part of how easy we had it was because of Brushwood. (Where else will you find hundreds of open-minded pagans [and several polyamorists] camping half-naked?)

I find myself reading posts about people searching for thirds, all of their negative experiences with people who are monogamous and try to steal away spouses - I realized that I have it really good. I mean, I was telling someone last night about mine and Nick's decision to move out to Erie. I couldn't pin point an exact date that we agreed on it, but it was last fall at some point. Then, I hardly knew Freedom or Kristi. My main motivating factor for moving out there was Rachael (and lower cost of living, cheaper real estate, etc.). Once I got to know Kristi, and subsequently Freedom, most recently, it continues to feel more and more RIGHT. It felt right then, but now it only seems confirmed. Even still, I know I'm taking a huge risk jumping head first into moving in with people I've rarely seen in person. I just know that Erie, with Freedom, Kristi, and Rachael is where I am supposed to be.

I can't wait for what the Universe has in store for me - has in store for us! We're all so blessed and I can't wait to start the next chapter of my adventure in Erie, PA with my new family.

Blessings

~Angel

Last night I was talking to Freedom, Kristi, and Rachael messenger and talking about Nick expressing concerns that he will become ‘less important’ when we move to Erie. I keep trying to assure him that at first it may seem that way because of New Relationship Energy (NRE), but he doesn’t seem consoled by it. I mean, I suppose part of it is that I usually qualify my assurances with, “I can’t predict the future so I can’t say for sure, but I’m sure that….”

I was upset that I couldn’t make him feel better, but not upset, guilty, or remorseful at the possibility of that happening. Kristi kept telling me there wasn’t anything I reallycould do and it was on him to adjust his attitude and trust what I was telling him. I know that part of it is also that I already have ‘met’ two people who I am (unofficially, on the whole) ‘dating’ and he has no one. (And the fact that when he DOES find someone he’s interested in, that person is entirely unavailable.) I keep trying to tell him that with the attitude he has it will stay that way, but that advice seems to fall on deaf ears.

Nick was sitting next to me on the couch the entire time these conversations were taking place. He was quite alright with the frank advice. However, at one point he made a snide comment about something unrelated and I snipped back at him. (I should qualify the rest of these story with the fact that my husband has a mild form of bi-polar disorder so sometimes he has little outbursts like he did.) It wasn't even anything that horrible that he said, but n my anger, I asked him to get away from me. (Down a few feet on the couch is what I meant, mind you.)

He FLIPPED out and stormed off and said that he was just going to leave altogether. Things got thrown into full-out crisis mode. I signed out of yahoo and cut all of my conversations short. I went into the bedroom where he was getting dressed to ‘leave’. I tried cornering him in the closet but after a short yelling contest he prevailed – he scares me slightly when he’s angry like that just because I’m not used to it.

I don’t remember how we got there, but eventually he was standing by the television and I was sitting on the couch, and what started as an all out brawl turned into some really productive conversation.
     

        He was angry because he thought if he had stayed on the couch that I would have just continued to chat with everyone instead of signing offline and dealing with it. He used my former obsession of Harry Potter as an example of another time I’ve done something similar. This led me to the conclusion that that particular transgression is probably the reason why he has trust issues. I was upset to realize just how much of an impact that’d had on our relationship. However, he says that’s not the case. I’m inclined to disagree.

        He told me that he felt ‘lost’ and that he had no clear purpose in his life. (School, job, and life in general, I think.) I told him I never knew that. I told him I was sorry that I couldn’t help him, but our paths are very different. I cannot teach him what I do not know! I suggested that he might look into Buddhism – there is no official deity related to Buddhism and they place a lot of value on modern science. He later slightly contradicted himself by saying that he felt his ‘purpose’ in life was to be around for everyone else and that’s part of why he is such a good listener.

        He said that all of his life experience has made him believe that his needs are (at best) secondary. Even though he knows how upset I am at how he feels about himself he assured me that it doesn’t bother him in the least. He says he is used to it. Yet again, (as I have said so many times), I told him that I feel like I should be different and that he shouldn’t have to feel that way with me of all people.

        He assured me once more that he is VERY happy for me and that I am loved by so many. He is not angry with me, Freedom, or Kristi.

        We talked about the way that he tends to build walls for himself to isolate himself from people. He said that he ALWAYS gives people ONE chance. (He used Sarah Morgan’s friends as an example.) He voiced frustration that we all seem to think he is so standoffish. He assured me that if they are anywhere near as awesome as I think they are, then he is sure he will like them too. As an adjunct to that point, it spoke to me and said that we need to stop assuming that he is going to isolate himself. By doing that we are manifesting and that isn’t healthy!

So, the conclusion I came to was that all I can do it stop worrying and surrender my fears in lieu of that faith that I am always promoting so highly! So – I have surrendered my worries. Things will be as it is for the Greatest Good to All!

That all off of my chest, I had a chat with Freedom tonight. It was the ‘love’ talk that I had with Kristi and Rachael some time ago now. It centers mainly on the limitations of the English language. The Greeks had three terms for love, Philial (familial love), Eros (romantic/sexual love), and Agape (unconditional love, as one would experience from Spirit or God). In our culture we fear the word love because we think if we express our true feelings about it we will scare other people away who mistakenly think we are crazy to express ourselves. What a viscious cycle! I think that if we had separate terms like the Greek we would be a lot better off because we could clarify. I could say ‘I love you’ to a male friend and not have him assume I mean I’m IN love with him.

 

I gave Freedom the short version of all that and explained that I want to be able to tell him I love him, but not have him think I’m saying I’m IN love with him. (To which he replied, “lol like i said before you are welcome to say anything you want and i will understand what yopu are saying”. Copied exactly, typos and all.) So, with that officially out of the way I said ‘I love you’ to him for the first time.

 

And, a little surprisingly, it felt SO natural. It was like a floodgate opened that allowed me to finally express how I felt. I had worried that my attraction to him was purely sexual, but I’m believing that less and less as time goes on. So, it was a lovely night on the whole.

Blessings!

~Angel

 

P.S. Sorry for the weird spacing... I copied and pasted this from a word document and it came out weird!

Kristi recently began a new job working from home and as a part of her job she was given a laptop computer to use. This means that there are now three computers at their house: the desktop PC, Kristi's laptop, and Rachael's laptop. That means that everyone can be online at once and we took full advantage of the opportunity.

However, last night we choose to, mostly, speak to one another in separate windows (although us girls had a chat room without Freedom so we could secretly conspire against him!). This meant chatting one-on-one with Freedom. In the past he had been rather untalkative, but he changed rather suddenly. He became very complimentary. I actually blushed. It takes quite a bit to make me blush, but he succeeded in doing just that.

I know that when I left for Erie, some subconscious part of me made a clear decision that I was NOT to open myself up to feeling anything other than platonic feelings towards Freedom. My husband had expressed, on past occasions, some discomfort at the idea of my having relationships with other men since he is the only one I've ever been with. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings or make him feel ostracized. However, I must have let my guard down at that point – mistakenly assuming that now I was no longer physically around him I would be immune.

I realized quickly, as the wheels churning restlessly in my mind, that I could feel some spark, some small ember of more-than-platonic feelings for Freedom. My initial feelings were guilt. I had tried so hard to block that out (and failed). Although, at the same time, I know it is dangerous to lock up ones emotions with no outlet. I don't dare play that sort of game with myself. Part of me felt it wasn't fair to even HAVE to suppress feelings for another person. I thought he whole point of polyamory was to open yourself to giving and receiving love from wherever it presents itself. I would be thwarting my own efforts if I ignored my emotions.

I could tell there was a great potential for this spark to grow. He is charming, and knows he is charming – not in a conceited way, of course. It is just to say that he is aware of, and able to use him charm to his advantage as he sees fit. It manifests as playful banter, shameless teasing, flirting, and blush-worthy compliments. (And a few threats of tickle torture.) His sense of humor and confidence are, admittedly, very attractive.

Anyway, I wanted to update anyone who is not already aware of this newest development to keep people semi-in-the-loop. Comments welcome. :-)

Blessings!

I took a trip from April 9th - the 15th to Erie, PA. My hubby and I are going to be moving there this summer with Freedom, Kristi, and Rachael. Although, the main purpose of the trip was to take a radiology test for my job and I also had an interview lined up on the following Wednesday. So, I thought I would tell everyone about my trip!

I got in during the wee hours of the morning on Wednesday and got a few hours of sleep before my interview on Wednesday morning from 10 a.m. - 2 p.m. I thought it was supposed to be a working interview so I was prepared to jump right into things and 'get my hands dirty', so to speak. However, it ended up as more of an 'observing' interview then anything else. There are two doctors and three assistants at present. One of them is leaving to get married and moving about an hour away. It was nice and the staff was all very kind. But, they do things very differently there than they do at the office I work at now. It would take a lot of getting used to if I worked there! I think I was just sort of expecting to get a feeling of 'this is it' when I went, and I never really got that. I think it did go very well and it certainly wouldn't hurt to have a job lined up if they take me. (Since that's what we are waiting for so we can get a pre-approval certificate for our mortgage.) They are supposed to call me sometime this week to tell me whether I got the job or not.

If I did get the job that means I would have to start working at the end of May - a good month earlier than I originally intended on moving out to Erie. I would end up driving my own car out to Brushwood when I go out for Wellspring Gathering for Memorial Day weekend and staying out there. That would be a long month where Nick and I would be separated and in different states. It would mean a lot of packing between now and Wellspring so he has to do minimal work for the moving itself. (Since I'd rather not have to come back out to CT to load the moving truck if I don't have to.)

So, then Thursday... it was a quiet day. Rachael was still in Cape May, NJ for her mother's birthday and scheduled to leave for Erie at midnight. So we watched movies and hung around. It was a fairly uneventful day.

Friday morning was my test at the Courtyard Marriot in Erie on Peach St. It was a two hour exam that only took me one hour to take. After my test we met the realtor to look at some houses. The first one was nice - it had a swimming pool and a decent backyard and off-street parking. The house itself needed minimal work on it, which we liked. After that we went to another house we had all been eying pretty heavily that had a really big three-car garage. However, after the second house it really lost its luster because it needed a LOT of work done and the bedrooms were about as big as the storage closet in my apartment in CT.

However, the third house... the third house was spectacular. I suppose to some people from the outside it might not be that spectacular, but there was something about it that just seemed right. It is a brick, two-unit home with a (currently) closed-in front porch and upper balcony that wraps around the building a bit. IT has really spacious rooms, although the previous owner is living in Florida and has yet to empty all of his shit out of the house. But, if you can visualize it apart from all the shit, it's really very nice. It has a great yard and a two car garage that hides the bulk of the yard from the street. It has space for a ritual area (and a fire pit, which Freedom has already determined the exact future location of) and an adorable little cottage in the backyard that we will probably end up using as a meditation/shrine area. It will be really great when we get through with it!

So, then right after seeing the houses we picked up Rachael from the Greyhound Station and from there we went back to the house. I don't remember everything we did... but I'm pretty sure it involved watching a movie and cuddling on the couch, LOL. That happened a lot.

Saturday was the date of the party. People arrived at all different times, as earlier as 4-5 a.m. and as late as 6 p.m. Sunday night! There was a lot of eating, drinking, and smoking (which I did not participate in, personally). At one point everyone played a board game called Seven Deadly Sins. I choose to observe since I had no desire to make an ass of myself in front of people I had only just met. However, it was HILARIOUS to watch. The photos don't do it justice. As one person put it, "The point of this game is to do embarassing things, half-naked in front of your friends." Very succint and accurate, LOL.

Sunday Pete and Mia showed up. I was glad to have only a few new people there at a time. I think having so many new people around at once was a little overwhelming for me. Small doses seemed to work better. I found out that Pete actually knows one of the women I work with (or more accurately, he knows her kids). That was really exciting... it was one of those 'what a small world' moments! So I have a business card with his information that I am supposed to pass a long.

Monday was a quiet (and sad) day. In the morning we (and by morning I mean early afternoon...) went out to the Grasshopper (a hippie shop) and to Chicory Hill Herbs (an herbal/Pagan shop) and then to Walmart. After that (and about $35 dollars later) we went to Scott Park and went climbing. I really like the parks in Erie. Freedom and Kristi say that when it gets warmer out they want to start going out to the park like that on a regular basis. As Kristi put it, "That's MY kind of exercise!" So, that's exciting.

Hm later that night we watched a movie called 'Shortbus' which was ABSOLUTELY amazing... but NOT for kids or anyone who is even remotely disturbed or offended by explicit sex. The beginning of the movie is really a shocker with the amount of graphic sex, but if you can get past that part of it, it really makes you think and is a great movie. I ordered it on amazon a few minutes ago so I can have my own copy, LOL


You know that I went to visit Freedom and Kristi (and Rachael, of course!). It was the first time I got to spend any time with Kristi since we agreed to be girlfriends... or however you properly phrase such an agreement. The human language fails us once again...

But, anyway, I've been looking forward to writing this blog since the very first night I got to Erie. Never really had the time to do it, though, and I'm glad I didn't since it gave me more time to mull everything over. As you all know (I think), it's only been since this past summer that I came out as bisexual (pansexual) and decided to try polyamory on for size. So, since then Kristi and I have really only spoken online and it was a trip converting that relationship to something in person. I know I am still adjusting. Maybe there is some validity to the argument that so much electronic communication is killing our ability to socialize properly.

The very first night in Erie as I went to bed, Kristi and I kissed. It was, for all intents and purposes, my first time kissing a girl. (Truth or dare not included, of course.) We hugged and as we pulled away we kissed. There's no telling in my mind who initiated it... probably me I suppose. All I know is that is just happened - as naturally and smoothly as could be. There was no hesistation or thought that I can recall. When I pushed aside my inhibition and overanalytical-ness it just flowed and coalesced into something very simple and obvious. I almost didn't believe it myself. As I laid down to go to sleep only moments later, the reality of it hit me - I had just kissed Kristi. I blushed a bit at the thought, my overanalyzation catching up to me and fell asleep.

Every night before bed we kissed like that - almost every night it lasted a bit longer and I willed myself to relax into it and pushed aside my logic. Even still, I found myself caught up in worrying about whether or not I was 'doing it right' and I'm sure that my hands were awkwardly perched either at my own side or resting on her waist on several occasions, arguing in my mind about whether placing them on her face would seem too forward. (Neither side ended up losing or winning that argument.)

Each night, once my thoughts caught up with me, I could feel myself blush slightly and smile at what had just transpired. Something so small as a kiss was causing my thoughts to kick into overdrive. It was so different from kissing Nick. It was softer, sweeter, less imploring and more innocent. I became starkly aware of the fullness of my own lips against hers, shaped and sized differently from what I had become used to. I still can't say for sure if my kissing is even satisfactory compared to most with so little to compare to. But, even though I was paralyzed by internal debate at times, there was never any question of the emotions and feelings behind Kristi's kisses. It was truly lovely.

I wished I'd had the balls to mention any of this at the time. There were always so many people around. There never seemed to be a good time to talk about it, and I was perfectly shy to not bring it up in the spare moments anyway. I think the fact that our relationship began as an online one complicates the whole thing slightly. I have to buck up and start talking in person. I just feel overall silly talking about something that probably seemed so trivial to her as a kiss. But, then again in retrospect, knowing her mind spins about as fast as mine does about these things, she may have had a lot of things on her mind too that she never brought up.

There were little other things she did, too, that I loved - I love having my face touched. And the sensation of her innocently dragging her fingernails along my skin was wonderful. I hope that my body language was clear enough that she never felt put off or pushed away. It was never my intention if she got that feeling. When we cuddle, or kiss, or hug... there is an understanding that has no words. I would like to talk more than we do, to match that physical connection to something deeper.

At first, it seemed slightly awkward to be so physically affectionate with Freedom around, but it was obvious from his body language that he had no problems with it. With both Rachael and I there, it was Kristi and I and Freedom and Rachael for the most part. No one was left out. One night we were all on the couch - Freedom, Rachael, me, and Kristi - in that order. Freedom and Kristi were holding hands behind us and I felt a little badly - as if we were keeping them from cuddling together. Rachael assured me, when they got up to go to the kitchen for something, that they wanted it that way while I was there and to not feel guilty. (She had this argument with them before and said it was useless to try arguing, LOL.) So... I assume that once I am around on a regular basis, finding that balance will be an interesting and entertaining challenge.

I do worry about when we get there how Nick will handle it all. I worry that he will feel left out. I sincerely hope that Freedom will jump in to help him feel like he belongs. Nick is great at making himself feel ostracized, and that's the last thing I want. It sounds strange, but I hope he finds a girlfriend so he will feel better about me being around Kristi and the gang as much. It is a bridge we will have to cross when we get there.

Oh, and I think it deserves mentioning that Rachael seems to have made some great strides towards lowering her personal boundaries (around those who are trustworthy, of course). Congrats for that. ^_^ We got to cuddle a little bit and she wasn't even upset! LOL It was very nice, and I'm very proud of her. I can't wait to be in PA so we can hang out and chat even more.


So... I guess that's it in a nutshell. I had a wonderful time and I can't wait to go back for Memorial Day weekend (for Wellspring Gathering at Brushwood). I will (and already do!) miss everyone in Erie, but I'll be back soon my Loves!

Blessings, Light, and Love

~Angel

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )